Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
