I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
