Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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