If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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