i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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