Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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