I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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