i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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