I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
