i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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