Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
