i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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