hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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