Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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