He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
