i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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