There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize