Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize