We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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