HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
do nipples grow back?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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