I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
