I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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