She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I use my feet as sexual weapons
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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