I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Houston, we have a blender
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
