my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
