fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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