Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Randomize
