Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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