I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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