if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
