Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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