I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
