We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
