I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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