The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
