"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You took a bar mat shot.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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