Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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