The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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