Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize