I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
