Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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