I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
