my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
