Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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