just tell him i said nine months
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
