A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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