Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
How naked do you want me to be?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
