Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
wanna go halves on a baby?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
