i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
