when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
