your parents love me but you hate me
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
