mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
