My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
