we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
