oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
