She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
