You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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