You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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