dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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